Thursday, March 19, 2015

PREACHERS DO DO POO POO

(First published June 6, 2013.  This blog had one of the highest readerships.  Not sure what that says about my friends, many of whom are preachers.  Hopefully it means ministry folks can laugh at themselves.)





Knowing my affinity for word fun, I heard the best malapropism  but promised not to reveal my source.  

He wrote me, "During our Mother's Day service our pastor was presenting a foot file as a token gift to the mothers at church. He was probably thinking podiatry but announced, 'We have a special gift for all of you moms today, a pedophile.'  They were literally rolling in the aisles and he never reclaimed control of the service!

When I posted this on Facebook it launched a series of stories about preachers' pulpit blunders.
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  • Waylan Goddin I heard a pastor once announce that he always prefers King James's virgin. lol
    9 hours ago · Unlike · 3
  • Angie Nystrom Jones Years ago, after referring to his scripture text, my pastor alerted us that the next passage was his "Kotex". 
    9 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Waylan Goddin Oh, another one... my friend was a member of a large church in Chattanooga when he was going to Tennessee Temple and a really large family...dad, mom, and about 6 children...all joined one Sunday. Their last name was "Damm" and the pastor introduced them and said, "Looks like we have the whole Damm family today." haha
    9 hours ago · Unlike · 2
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Oh, Way, that's funny. Like the uneducated preacher who spoke on the Israelites' sign of being God's people, removing their foreskin. Every time he used the word though he pointed to his forehead. "So everyone could see and know they were God's people!"
    9 hours ago · Edited · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Angie, what word was he grasping for? Cortex or just text?
  • Jan McElveen God loves a good laugh!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson True. God loves ME!
    9 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Jan McElveen And ME!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Angie Nystrom Jones Kathy Tippett Henderson I think he meant a secondary text or co-text, like co-pilot but he never realized what he said until it was brought up at lunch. It was my best friend's dad, so we really ribbed him about it that afternoon.
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I get it. Actually makes better sense!
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Another anonymous contributor just private messaged me but gave permission to share:

    I heard of a passionate old preacher who was trying to paint a word picture while talking about sin. He MEANT to say that sin was "like an octopus and grabs you with its tentacles." But what he said was: "Sin is like an octopus and reaches out and grabs you with its testicles." 

    Another mistake I heard of was when the same old guy was preaching on the scene of Jesus' arrest at Gethsemane he emphatically said that one of Jesus' disciples pulled out his sword and cut the guard's Peter off." The person telling me this said there were several people who had been sleeping in the service and woke up to the sound of laughter asking, "What'd he say? What'd he say?"

    I heard he took a much needed early retirement....
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Reminds me of a SS teacher talking about Jesus washing the disciples feet when Peter objected. After He explained then Peter allowed Christ to serve him. The teacher said, "So Jesus washed the disciples' feet and Peter's."
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I got enough here for a blog. . .coming your way soon. Appropriate pictures may take me more time than the writing part!
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson A friend just called me with another misquote by a preacher, "Let everything that has breasts praise the Lord." Their teen son looked over at his under-developed sister and said, "Well I guess you can praise. . .a little bit."
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I just realized how many friends I have with the same name, Anonymous.
    8 hours ago · Like · 2
  • Helen Hunt Ayscue It was so funny I was there .
  • Barbara Raynor Hill got my smile for the day
    7 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • After publishing this I received another one that HAS to be included.  I've omitted the names to protect the guilty.  

    A pastor had a recent blunder. He was very excited to get pagers for the nursery so that moms could be told discretely that they were needed by their little ones. Once Pastor ______  had placed the order, he asked all the nursery workers of the church to stay afterwards for a meeting/special announcement. Beaming from ear to ear, he announced, "Ladies, I am very pleased to tell you that I am getting you all vibrators!" There was an awkward silence and a few sideways glances. Puzzled by the reaction, he continued to explain how great these new vibrators would be, and how often they would be used. "They are so handy!" He began to realize that he had said something wrong from their faces, but he still had no clue what it was; he continued to explain how much they would enjoy the new purchase. The snickers got louder and louder. One elderly, gray-haired woman (who obviously didn't "get it") shot a dirty look at some of the younger women who were laughing and said in a loud voice, "Don't worry preacher! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!" It finally hit him what he had said, and he immediately left the room (amidst howls of laughter!).

    I
    Afte
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1 comment:

  1. KathyMarch 22, 2015 at 12:12 AM

    I wonder if I wrote a book collecting all the stories I've heard, how many would lose their jobs? Hm-mmm. . .

    ReplyDelete

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