Friday, March 22, 2013


Sage old advice comes from old sages.  Wisdom is not required.  Wit may be substituted.  Old seems to be the common denominator here.  

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, '"Are you having it catered?"

And that, my friend, is the definition of OLD!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

''So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"  

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I also have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?''

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

To prevent sagging, just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

My flip calendar this year is Maxine.  While her wisdom is often questionable, her wit is firmly intact.  

On the subject of exercise: I'd work in some cardio if I could find time between my eatio and sleepio!

Regarding relationships: Think about this. Maybe I'm not mean; maybe everyone else is too dang sensitive.

About aging: Don't let aging get you down.  It's too hard to get up.

Advice on caffeine: Ever feel like you've had too much coffee?  Me neither.

Morning wisdom:  I can still rise and shine.  Just not at the same time.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

   1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse. 

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. 7 days without prayer makes one weak.  

35. Don't join dangerous cults.  Practice safe sects.

Friday, March 8, 2013


Anyone with a toddler knows the baffling effect of some questions.  

Kent knew about the strength of the Lord so he inquired, "Can God pick up a shadow?  Can He pick up His self?"

His big sister, Kimberly, posed, "Why does pink bubblegum turn black when it pops on your face?"

Our baby, Katy, asked me, "Mama, does snot stain?"

My children taught me the truth that there are simply some

Questions You Just Can't Answer:

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead? 

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word lisp?

What is the speed of darkness? 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder. . .

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first  person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its rear end!"

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the 'fridge and not in the freezer? 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why do gynecologists leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

Stop singing and read on.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

~     ~     ~
My kids also taught me that some of their strange questions do have clear answers.

After Katy received a cheekful of motherly kisses from me, she posed,  "Mama, where do kisses go after you put 'em on someone?"

"Well, I guess they just stay there, Honey."


Video book read here:

I'll love you forever, 
     I'll like you for always.
As long as you're living, 
     my baby you'll be!

Friday, March 1, 2013


"I need to stop for a restroom break, Doug."

"OK.  But you know the kids will wake up."

I glanced at the back seat of slumbering children and shrugged.  Middle of the night or not, a necessary room was necessary.

The car barely stopped as I dashed into the gas station restroom.  As I washed my hands, I noticed a sign over the toilet:

That doesn't make sense, I thought.  Then I pondered and suddenly realized . . .UNLESS you're in a MEN'S ROOM!  I left as quickly as I'd entered, thankful for the cover of darkness.
I'm not the only female to burst into a men's room though.  Doug drove a busload of teens on a ski trip and made the restroom stop.  The teen boys quickly returned to the bus so he took his turn in the men's room.  

Meanwhile the larger number of teen girls was waiting in a long line.  Mary Ann announced, "All the guys are done!  I'm gonna' use their restroom and not wait!"  She flung open the door to see her youth pastor, wide eyed.  Talk about making indelible marks on the lives of our youth!
I repeated my mistake at the Welcome Center in Charleston, SC.  It was one of those split foyer deals and I split into the wrong side.  Seeing several startled men standing before sinks and urinals, I screamed, "AKKKKKKK! I'm so sorry!"  

To which one white headed Yankee chuckled, "It's OK.  We just thought that's how you southerners welcomed us."
Others share my pain as an unnamed wife tells her story:

"Over the years my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute, but sometimes confusing, gender signs put on restaurants' restroom doors.  Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies we deciphered but every so often we get stumped.  

Recently at our hotel restaurant, Dave wandered off in search of the facility. He found himself confronted by two marked doors.  One was labeled Bronco, the other was designated Cactus.  Completely baffled, he asked a passing employee, 'Excuse me.  I need to use the restroom.' Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, 'Which one should I use?'

"Actually, sir, we prefer you go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men.  "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms." 
Sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 confusing words!