Thursday, June 27, 2013


This post comes from my personal elf friend, Marilyn.  Everyone should have one! Her last name shall remain a mystery. Don't you just love a good mystery?  She's not exactly my muse. . .more like my amuse (a=not, muse=think) because when she sends me stuff like this, I laugh but don't have to think up a blog!  Be amused.  It's Christmas in June!

Positively Wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Great Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Trouble At The Zoo

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. 

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. 

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. 

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. 

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." 

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." 

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 Years To Learn

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 

3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 

4. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 

5. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 

7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 

8. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person. 

10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

And my elf even tosses in some poetry, to show her classy side.

Playing House

A boy of three and a girl of four, 

   were playing house one day.
They played that they were man and wife
   and they were going away.   

As they knocked upon a neighbor's door,

    the little girl bowed low
saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. 
   We're visiting you, you know.""Come in, come in," the lady said,
     "and take yourself a seat . 
I'll bring you both some lemonade 
   and something good to eat."

She gave them each a tall glass 

    and a cookie on a plate. 
Later, she offered a second cup 
    of frosty lemonade.

"Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, 

    as she took the small boy's hand,
 "We really have to go now. 

    My husband wet his pants."

Friday, June 21, 2013


Child #1: Sterilize the pacifier when it hits the floor.
Child #2: Rinse off the pacifier when it hits the floor.
Child #3: Blow on the pacifier when it hits the floor and cram it back in the gaping, wailing mouth!

I dropped my firstborn on her head at the mall.  Thought we'd both die. Neither did.  We both became survivors that day. 

Three teenagers under your roof will NOT kill you.  But you may want to kill them!  Don't. They bring you grandchildren one day, if they live long enough.

Boys are messy.  Drives you crazy but has no affect on them. You'll make it. Then his messiness will drive his wife crazy one day.  Pray she makes it too!

You can love your newborn deeply and still forget to pick her up from the nursery after church.  Everyone does that, right? Oh.  Just me I guess.

In the hospital, between labor and delivery, sometimes husbands faint.  Just keep on breathing and pushing.  You and God got this.  Let the nurses tend to him.  

After the birth, someone might bring you the wrong baby to nurse. So you do and THEN realize the little boy is not your little girl. It's OK.  But they never forget you at that hospital. And you get ALL the apple juice and attention you want after that!  

When your adolescent son asks you to pitch the baseball for him to practice, say, "Wait for Dad to get home."  I didn't and caught the ball with my face.  He's a good hitter.  I'm a lousy catcher.

When you rush to her bedroom to hold your child's head over the trash can in the darkness of night to catch the vomit, be sure she's OVER the trash can and not beside it. Always listen for a clear splat, not a quiet, muted carpeted sound.  Vomit turns pink-shag gray.

When same child cheerfully exclaims, "Mom! Come look at my Bible story!  Just like Nebuchadnezzar, the handwriting is on the wall!" believe her.  Permanent markers are not misnamed.

The first time you leave your teenager at home with clear instructions, "Do NOT open the door to anyone!" leave in your car, sneak back immediately and ring the doorbell then hide.  When she opens the door, forget your shopping trip.  She's not ready yet for home alone!

Our kids are fashioned by God, fearfully and wonderfully made!

On your worst parenting day, remind yourself. . .one day these children will grow up into wonderful, godly adults.  You'll like them as well as love them.  

For today though be sure your child
  • knows who he is
  • likes who he is
  • is who he is (being real) 

Friday, June 14, 2013


My love for language and puns is no secret. This blog is that. . .on steroids!

It may not be your cup of tea but I avoid cliches like the plague.  So I hope to make my message crystal clear.  Nothing comes from ambiguity.  What happens in vagueness stays in vagueness.  I think hyperbole is best and homonyms are a waist of thyme. 

Concerned about bad grammar, I recently asked a friend, "How do you feel about ignorance and apathy?"

She shrugged, "I don't know and I don't care."

Well I care!  I'm an English major.  You do the math.  I still believe the library is a great place to get checked out.  Spell Czech works.  Sum thymes.  But people really can't rely on that alone.  Knowing the rules is key, like I before E, except when spelling the alphabet correctly.  It's as simple as 3.141592. . .

The country was founded on higher education.  I still read the Constitution for the articles.  We've become conditioned to lower standards.  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?  We need to upgrade our training so language makes sense. For example: I say tomato, you say tomato. (Doesn't make much sense when you read it.)

A good starting point is Hokey Pokey Anonymous, a place to turn yourself around.  I recommend we treat the problem with gravity because it's time to get down.

Excuses abound.  Too tired?  Use kinetic energy.  Pass it along.  Too fat? Thomas Aquinas wrote eloquently and he was the original deep fat friar. Minority?  Hobbits were Tolkien minorities but overcame. Hard of hearing? Beethoven, the original deaf jam, offered no excuses.

Wishing does nothing.  I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.  It hit me when I turned it all around. Palindromes are Rasemordnilap!

So I leave you with a challenge.  Share what you learned here today.  Don't be like the hedgehog.  Why can't they just share the hedge?  For the sake of humanity, let's learn our language, people!

Friday, June 7, 2013


Steven Wright is one of my favorite comics.  He sees things from a weird angle.  So do I.  

He once exclaimed, "I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."  

Here are a few more of his gems.

1• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2•  Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3• Half the people you know are below average.

4• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8• If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18• Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 35• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?