A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Trouble At The Zoo
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 Years To Learn
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
5. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
8. You should not confuse your career with your life.
9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
And my elf even tosses in some poetry, to show her classy side.
A boy of three and a girl of four,
were playing house one day.
They played that they were man and wife
and they were going away.
As they knocked upon a neighbor's door,
the little girl bowed low
saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife.
We're visiting you, you know.""Come in, come in," the lady said,
"and take yourself a seat .
I'll bring you both some lemonade
and something good to eat."
She gave them each a tall glass
and a cookie on a plate.
Later, she offered a second cup
of frosty lemonade.
"Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said,
as she took the small boy's hand,
"We really have to go now.
My husband wet his pants."