Saturday, March 28, 2015


Dave has a wonderful sense of humor and quick wit.  Even full of morphine, he cracks Katy up.  She says it’s a gift for her right now.  With her permission I share these.  She wouldn’t let me tell you the BEST one though!

Katy: I’ll  be just down the hall in a sleep room, Honey.  Want me to wheel your bed down later?

Dave:  Aww, Katy.  I just wanna’ try to be a good, Christian man.
(OK that one WAS the morphine talking and not Dave’s usual reaction!)

When his brother, Joel, walked into his room, he grabbed his gown at the lapel and spoke into his imaginary walkie talkie:  “Security!  Security to ICU.”

When she told him Joel was coming, he said, “Tell him the gynecologist will be in later.”

Joel didn’t get it until Katy asked, “A gynochologist?”  Dave was ahead of them all!

When he tried to get up, his bed beeped loudly.  He immediately reacted, “Testing. Testing.  Testing.”
Katy had to tell him several times that first day that he’d had a seizure.  He didn’t remember it nor being told at first.  When he finally realized it, the next day he said,
“I’m thinking about having another seizure.  It’s nice to get so much sleep.”

Nurse: “I bet it is with 6 kids.”

Dave told the doc something about a MASH episode and the doc laughed and came right back with a Star Trek reference.  Then the doc said, “I had my own episode operating on a man named Jesu. . .on CHRISTMAS DAY!”  Truth is stranger than fiction.

When told, “You’re going to have a spinal tap here soon.  We’ll roll you over on your side.” 

David sarcastically replied, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Thursday, March 26, 2015


The phone rang a week ago.  I startled and glanced at the clock. . .3:02 AM. I gasped as I saw it was from Chatham, Ontario.  
"WHAT'S WRONG?" I shouted into the receiver.

I heard my baby, Katy, sobbing, in broken phrases, over her baby,  "Mama!  James is having a seizure. . .ambulance coming. . .maybe a stroke. . .or an aneurysm. . .Dave's holding him, pacing, praying out loud. . ."

The hours until dawn were filled with prayer, anguish, thoughts of death. . .or worse, buying a plane ticket.  Doug held me in his arms as I cried and prayed, "Lord, please don't take him after all this."  Then I thought about how he might be after a brain bleed.  "Oh Lord, please don't leave him here a vegetable."  

My opposing prayers spotlighted my helplessness to even know how to pray.  "Oh Lord. You know best.  Take us all through this."

And He did.  Again.  It was a grand mal seizure and lasted over 40 minutes.  Katy and James were airlifted (for the third time) to Toronto's Sick Kids Hospital.  CT scan, MRI and neurosurgeons found no damage.  He was pronounced normal. ..again.  Anti-seizure meds upped.  Done.

God surely has something special planned in the life of James.

Crises.  Valleys of death.  Bends in the road.  We all go through these painful, difficult times in life.  Why?  It's a natural question.  Sometime there is no obvious answer.  My life verse (I've had several through the years) reminds me that "All things work together for good. . ."

GOOD?  Really?  When my heart races in fear, or aches in pain, when I hear Goliath roar before me, I tremble.  We all face those giants.  I see no good in the immediate.  But sometimes after the battle, I look back and can see the good. 

Hard times for me:

  • strengthen my relationship with God  
  • increase my faith and prayer life   "Whom have I in heaven but Thee?"
  • bring our family closer, to draw strength and love from each other  Just last night Katy Face Timed us and said, "We need a circle of prayer. . ."  (Family closeness is not all about geography.)
  • teach me how to handle fear  "What time I'm afraid I will TRUST in God."
  • bring friends closer to support you in love and prayer
  • shift my priorities     (When our little world shakes, what's really important becomes crystal clear.  Hard times reset our sails to go in God's direction.)
  • help me hear the voice of God   (As C.S. Lewis said, "God shouts to us in our pain.")
  • remind me of the Holy Spirit's comfort, direction and provision moment by moment  God's in the details; we even got a refund on our plane ticket when the crisis ended.  Unheard of!
Do I like hard times?  No!  Do I want hard times? No!  Do I grow spiritually in hard times? Yes!  When life runs smoothly I'm inclined to create the illusion of self-sufficiency.   When my knees buckle as my world crashes down, carrying me with it, I RECLINE on the everlasting arms of the One Who carries me.
                                                                 ~     ~     ~

P.S. Less than 2 hours after posting this, the phone rang. . .Katy again.  "Mom, Dave passed out at work, fell, hit is head and is at the hospital ER."  Another bend, another surprise but not to the One Who loves us most.  We're praying it's weakness from a 2 week respiratory infection and no concussion damage.   Show us the GOOD, Lord.  Be glorified!

Thursday, March 19, 2015


(First published June 6, 2013.  This blog had one of the highest readerships.  Not sure what that says about my friends, many of whom are preachers.  Hopefully it means ministry folks can laugh at themselves.)

Knowing my affinity for word fun, I heard the best malapropism  but promised not to reveal my source.  

He wrote me, "During our Mother's Day service our pastor was presenting a foot file as a token gift to the mothers at church. He was probably thinking podiatry but announced, 'We have a special gift for all of you moms today, a pedophile.'  They were literally rolling in the aisles and he never reclaimed control of the service!

When I posted this on Facebook it launched a series of stories about preachers' pulpit blunders.
Like ·  · Promote · 
  • Waylan Goddin I heard a pastor once announce that he always prefers King James's virgin. lol
    9 hours ago · Unlike · 3
  • Angie Nystrom Jones Years ago, after referring to his scripture text, my pastor alerted us that the next passage was his "Kotex". 
    9 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Waylan Goddin Oh, another one... my friend was a member of a large church in Chattanooga when he was going to Tennessee Temple and a really large, mom, and about 6 children...all joined one Sunday. Their last name was "Damm" and the pastor introduced them and said, "Looks like we have the whole Damm family today." haha
    9 hours ago · Unlike · 2
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Oh, Way, that's funny. Like the uneducated preacher who spoke on the Israelites' sign of being God's people, removing their foreskin. Every time he used the word though he pointed to his forehead. "So everyone could see and know they were God's people!"
    9 hours ago · Edited · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Angie, what word was he grasping for? Cortex or just text?
  • Jan McElveen God loves a good laugh!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson True. God loves ME!
    9 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Jan McElveen And ME!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Angie Nystrom Jones Kathy Tippett Henderson I think he meant a secondary text or co-text, like co-pilot but he never realized what he said until it was brought up at lunch. It was my best friend's dad, so we really ribbed him about it that afternoon.
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I get it. Actually makes better sense!
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Another anonymous contributor just private messaged me but gave permission to share:

    I heard of a passionate old preacher who was trying to paint a word picture while talking about sin. He MEANT to say that sin was "like an octopus and grabs you with its tentacles." But what he said was: "Sin is like an octopus and reaches out and grabs you with its testicles." 

    Another mistake I heard of was when the same old guy was preaching on the scene of Jesus' arrest at Gethsemane he emphatically said that one of Jesus' disciples pulled out his sword and cut the guard's Peter off." The person telling me this said there were several people who had been sleeping in the service and woke up to the sound of laughter asking, "What'd he say? What'd he say?"

    I heard he took a much needed early retirement....
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson Reminds me of a SS teacher talking about Jesus washing the disciples feet when Peter objected. After He explained then Peter allowed Christ to serve him. The teacher said, "So Jesus washed the disciples' feet and Peter's."
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I got enough here for a blog. . .coming your way soon. Appropriate pictures may take me more time than the writing part!
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson A friend just called me with another misquote by a preacher, "Let everything that has breasts praise the Lord." Their teen son looked over at his under-developed sister and said, "Well I guess you can praise. . .a little bit."
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Kathy Tippett Henderson I just realized how many friends I have with the same name, Anonymous.
    8 hours ago · Like · 2
  • Helen Hunt Ayscue It was so funny I was there .
  • Barbara Raynor Hill got my smile for the day
    7 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • After publishing this I received another one that HAS to be included.  I've omitted the names to protect the guilty.  

    A pastor had a recent blunder. He was very excited to get pagers for the nursery so that moms could be told discretely that they were needed by their little ones. Once Pastor ______  had placed the order, he asked all the nursery workers of the church to stay afterwards for a meeting/special announcement. Beaming from ear to ear, he announced, "Ladies, I am very pleased to tell you that I am getting you all vibrators!" There was an awkward silence and a few sideways glances. Puzzled by the reaction, he continued to explain how great these new vibrators would be, and how often they would be used. "They are so handy!" He began to realize that he had said something wrong from their faces, but he still had no clue what it was; he continued to explain how much they would enjoy the new purchase. The snickers got louder and louder. One elderly, gray-haired woman (who obviously didn't "get it") shot a dirty look at some of the younger women who were laughing and said in a loud voice, "Don't worry preacher! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!" It finally hit him what he had said, and he immediately left the room (amidst howls of laughter!).