I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, '"Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the definition of OLD!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
''So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I also have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?''
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
To prevent sagging, just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
My flip calendar this year is Maxine. While her wisdom is often questionable, her wit is firmly intact.
On the subject of exercise: I'd work in some cardio if I could find time between my eatio and sleepio!
Regarding relationships: Think about this. Maybe I'm not mean; maybe everyone else is too dang sensitive.
About aging: Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get up.
Advice on caffeine: Ever feel like you've had too much coffee? Me neither.
Morning wisdom: I can still rise and shine. Just not at the same time.