HAVING MY WAY WITH WORDS

Why should Noah Webster's name be the one associated with the dictionary?  If there were a Kathy Henderson version, it might read like this:

adult--a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
beauty parlor--a place where women curl up and dye

chickens--the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
committee--a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

dust--mud with the juice squeezed out. http://kathyhenderson.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-philosophy-on-dust.html
ego--someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

handkerchief--cold storage.
inflation--cutting money in half, without damaging the paper.

mosquito--an insect that makes you like flies better.
raisin--a grape with a sunburn.

secret--something you tell one person at a time.
skeleton--a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

toothache--the pain that drives you to extraction.
tomorrow--one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

yawn--an honest opinion, openly expressed.
wrinkles--something other people have similar to my character lines.

Kathyisms and Webster aside, rednecks have their own daffynitions for words too.  Here's their version of medical terms.

artery--the study of paintings.
bacteria--back door to the cafeteria.

barium--what doctors so when patients die.
benign--what you be after you be eight.

Caesarean section--a neighborhood in Rome.
cat scan--searching for kitty.

cauterize--made eye contact with her.
colic--a sheep dog.

coma--a punctuation mark.
dilate--to live long.

enema--not a friend.
fester--quicker than someone else.

fibula--a small lie,
impotent--distinguished, well known.

labor pain--getting hurt at work.
medical staff--a doctor's cane.

morbid--a higher offer.
nitrates--rates of pay for working night, usually higher than day.

node--I knew it!
outpatient--a person who has fainted.

pelvis--second cousin to Elvis.
post operative--a letter carrier.

recovery room--place to do upholstery.
rectum--nearly killed him.

secretion--hiding something.
seizure--Roman emperor.

tablet--a small table.
terminal illness--getting sick at the airport.

tumor--one plus one more.
urine--opposite of you're out.