Friday, April 12, 2013


Why should Noah Webster's name be the one associated with the dictionary?  If there were a Kathy Henderson version, it might read like this:

adult--a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

beauty parlor--a place where women curl up and dye

chickens--the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
committee--a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

dust--mud with the juice squeezed out.
ego--someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

handkerchief--cold storage.

inflation--cutting money in half, without damaging the paper.

mosquito--an insect that makes you like flies better.

raisin--a grape with a sunburn.

secret--something you tell one person at a time.

skeleton--a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

toothache--the pain that drives you to extraction.

tomorrow--one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

yawn--an honest opinion, openly expressed.

wrinkles--something other people have similar to my character lines.

Kathyisms and Webster aside, rednecks have their own daffynitions for words too.  Here's their version of medical terms.

artery--the study of paintings.

bacteria--back door to the cafeteria.

barium--what doctors so when patients die.

benign--what you be after you be eight.

Caesarean section--a neighborhood in Rome.

cat scan--searching for kitty.

cauterize--made eye contact with her.

colic--a sheep dog.

coma--a punctuation mark.

dilate--to live long.

enema--not a friend.

fester--quicker than someone else.

fibula--a small lie,

impotent--distinguished, well known.

labor pain--getting hurt at work.

medical staff--a doctor's cane.

morbid--a higher offer.

nitrates--rates of pay for working night, usually higher than day.

node--I knew it!

outpatient--a person who has fainted.

pelvis--second cousin to Elvis.

post operative--a letter carrier.

recovery room--place to do upholstery.

rectum--nearly killed him.

secretion--hiding something.

seizure--Roman emperor.

tablet--a small table.

terminal illness--getting sick at the airport.

tumor--one plus one more.

urine--opposite of you're out.

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