Friday, September 7, 2012


If you know me, you realize I have a somewhat warped sense of humor. Warped meaning not normal. I know what you're thinking. Shut up!

Certainly in life we perceive certain people and professions to be either serious or funny. Judges are serious. Entertainers are funny. Grandpas are funny. Scientists are serious. Generalizations? For sure. But in my own hasty generalization I would have deemed policemen to be serious.

Then I became friends with one. He played violin in our church praise band. Sometimes while on duty, this Florence officer would drop by the house with his partner in their squad car to pick up a piece of music. He also had a beautiful solo voice and might bring me accompaniment music.  

"Jeff, I appreciate you coming by but I gotta confess something to you."

"Yeah. What is it, Kathy?"

"I wonder what my neighbors think when they see you here on my front porch talking to me every now and then. Police cars are rare in our driveways here."

He laughed and hugged me. "Now they'll know it's a friendly call. Next time I come though, let's give 'em something to talk about. You throw me a fake punch, I'll fall backwards off your porch. Then come down, plant your foot on my chest and point me back to my car. I'll run away. I'll guarantee you'll never have a problem with a neighbor!"

We never acted on that but it was fun to think about.

Recently I read some comments allegedly made by South Carolina troopers while on duty. Since no names were included, I can't verify these quotes. But knowing Jeff makes me believe them! At any rate, they're entertaining.

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Relax. The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that'll be the speed of the bullet chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning? You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you, if I see you do that again I'm giving you another ticket!"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen. Fair is a place where you go ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust. All others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

"Just how big were those two beers you said you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief (of Police) is a friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

So thanks, Jeff, my funny cop friend, for breaking down my own personal stereotype!  Cops are real people too.  And some are quite humorous, maybe even a bit warped.

Upright citizen (at the moment),

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