PARAPROSDOKIANS

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first  part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them fall down the stairs.
• 
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• 
  
• 
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.



Old dog, new trick!

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A few well known folks like to use paraprosdokians too:

• "He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

• "There but for the grace of God— goes God." —Winston Churchill

• "If I am reading this graph correctly—I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert

• "You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill

• "If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." — Dorothy Parker

• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

• "A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —Winston Churchill

• "I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Phillips

• "If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
• I haven't slept for two weeks, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

• "I sleep eight hours a day… and at least ten at night." –Bill Hicks
• "She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse